The Wanderer

Us, was misreading the movements that we made 

way back before we were end up like this

misreading, misunderstanding, and end up

missing each other like hell

losing each other

and eventually

universe let us met, fall, and gather

with an eternal flames laying beneath us.

You, have always been the one

that I want to fall in love with

get lost with

and together 

conquer

until nothing do us apart.

Me, the crazy one 

who always been dreaming

wondering with

my exuberant spirit

craving for your melancholy soul

begging Thee for His kindness

to gather our souls

and permit me and you to be us.

So

don't go all by yourself

let us wander 

and wonder

where could this absurdity bring us to. 

since you're the one

that I choose to fall in love with

without reason

without any further words needed to be said.

To B; mine.

How to Deal with Insecurity

People nowadays are so judgemental, and sometimes you just can't stand hearing and considering what they've been talking about you are too serious, and you become insecure. Well, insecurity does kill. But you know what? We do have a choice with what we want to see and what we want to hear. Don't take it too seriously, and keep positive to everyone. You are who you are, so embrace it.
I know it won't be easy to follow these steps, because I myself are in a mental breakdown right now. My insecurity and my thoughts kill me slowly. I'm a person who overthink mostly about everything. And I can't stand hearing people give comment to me, especially about my body. To be more specific, when they say that I'm getting fatter. That's my biggest problem currently. 

It's never been so easy, dealing with my past experiences and the facts that I used to be a very fat girl when I was in elementary until high school, and not everyone will understand how does it feel when someone says to you that you're getting fatter. You know, it's just...heartbreaking, for me personally.

Sometimes I feel like I want to defy happiness, since being happy always makes me fatter (seriously, I do feel this, all the fucking time). And when I was so skinny, I wasn't a happy girl. I was so stressed out, dealing with society, dealing with school, with everything that can possibly make me stressed out every single time. And being told that I am getting fatter makes my heart stop beating for a second, and makes me down all the time. People, please, you don't know how does it feel when you're saying that FAT word to a girl who has a traumatic past experience. You don't fucking know, and don't fucking understand.

Being told or being seen something that you don't want to hear or see, sometimes lead to insecurity. And how should we deal with it?

1. Don't take everything too personally and too seriously

Because you know, that insecurity kills and overthinking ruins everything. Trust me, I've through this all the time and it didn't feel good. People will judge you more and it's getting worse, even after they know that you don't want to be told like that. So, if someone tells you that you're not pretty, or even when your ex boyfriend is now in a relationship with someone who is prettier than you, just smile and don't overthink about it. You'll only making yourself cry in the middle of the night, wondering and wishing that you were not born as you. Pretty please, don't waste your time thinking about something unnecessary. We are the one who choose and make our happiness, so don't make yourself cry. Your tears are too precious to be fallen because of some shitty things and considered as not worth it. 

2. Always remember that physical things don't last forever

So be kind. Be happy. Embrace your inner self. Stop comparing yourself to others because it will only lead to unsatisfied feeling that you surely are don't wanna feel at all. Maybe you feel insecure when you see those Victoria's Secret Angels walking on the runway while you're watching it from your bed, holding a BigMac, two large french fries, and a glass of Coca Cola. Just remember that you are not them, and you're beautiful in your own way. You are already perfect, and embrace yourself with kindness and happiness instead with only comparing yourself with other girls that looks prettier than you. Because you know what? Social media is also being used as a thing that celebrities and models use to give people and society what they really want to see; a perfect life, a perfect body. Meanwhile inside their real life, you don't know how much pain they've been through behind their smiles in every pictures in their instagram.

So pretty please, stop being insecure and just don't defy happiness. Even though I keep telling myself not to defy happiness and stop being so insecure, but let's just learn how to be happy, and face it all with smiles and laughs. Cheers.

P.S: You're already pretty. Don't try to change it. 

Dan saat ini, saya bahagia.

Teruntuk kamu, orang pertama yang saya minta untuk membaca...


Dan bagaimana apabila pada akhirnya saya memutuskan untuk menyerah? Pada jarak, waktu, pesona, goda, dan ruang yang tidak diizinkan semesta - bagi kita, pertapa romansa?
Karena dengan begitu banyak rasa dan rana, masih dan wajarlah bahwasanya saya berserah dan kembali bertelut; pada nirwana dan realita yang kadang sama.
Dan bagaimana apabila seperempat dekade hidup saya yang telah saya gunakan untuk melihat ke arah mana jarum jam berputar; terkadang saya inginkan tuk kembali dan mengulang tiap durasi itu lagi?
Dan bagaimana apabila dalam tiap ketukan sepatu dari kaki dan nadi yang gelisah, pada akhirnya menyerah pada batas rasa yang mulai kebal terhadap senyum dan laga bak pujangga?

Saya dan kamu;
mungkin kembali dipertemukan dan akhirnya dijadikan pasangan oleh Dia. Karena takdir menuliskan dan nasib menggariskan saya dan kamu untuk menjadi kita.
Saya dan kamu;
akhirnya menjadi kita, dalam dunia tanpa sempurna, yang mungkin jatuh cinta tanpa harus berkata, yang terpisah jarak dan ruang tanpa paham rasa.

Saya, belum bisa membuat kamu merona dan mungkin bahagia, saya tidak mengucap janji apa apa. Tapi saya, perempuan yang tidak mudah jatuh cinta, mampu kamu buat menanti. Gelisah dengan ribuan ketukan kaki, sembari mempertanyakan apakah dapat kamu kembali?

Dan dalam dua kali tiga ratus enam puluh lima hari, saya masih menanti.
Dalam rindu dan rasa pasti;
yang belum
dan tidak akan pudar.

Saya mencintaimu dalam pahit dan manismu, dan terima kasih telah membuat penantian saya berujung bahagia. Semoga kamupun demikian.

Milikmu,

Maria Clara Putri Deanty.